Today, 20th October, ’17 (I think)
The sound I heard before was a helicopter. It was a big, heavy…kind of angry looking one. My first thought was that of complete elation, and I was somehow being saved from this horrible place.
But there is no such thing as “being saved” or being safe now.
I tried waving my arms and yelling with what voice I had left, but I don’t think they ever saw me. I noticed a lot of heavy smoke coming from out of the back of the helicopter as it passed over the factory once it was in view. When it went over the top of my head, I could see that its side was all torn up and parts of it were on fire. I could also see men in the back of it frantically doing what they could not to fall out of the side as it tossed and turned towards the trees.
My heart sank at the same rate they fell from the sky.
I want to believe that I’m over seeing such dramatic, terrible awful things. But I wasn’t. There were people in that helicopter and they were about to crash and probably die. Instead of just standing there as it happened, I decided I’d try to go…help? I don’t know. I knew there wasn’t going to be much I could do, but that didn’t stop me from rushing down to the courtyard.
The sound of the impact, the boom, echoed through the empty factory as I was climbing down the ladder to get back inside my office bunker. It was loud enough that I remember gasping even though I knew it was coming. I grabbed my pipe weapon thingy and pushed through the opening I made in the doorway and down the pathway towards one of the exits.
The smell of burning fuel and fire hit me before I even reached the door. The constant wind had shifted towards the main building I had been hiding in and the air was thick with a dark black smoke. It made trying to see through the normal haze that much harder. I wrapped my face with my blanket and put the glasses I…borrowed…from the gas station on before venturing out into the open.
I could hear the fire raging as the helicopter hadn’t crashed that far into the trees from where I was standing. But I also heard what sounded like people screaming in agony. It was probably from the fire. My gut reaction of running in and saving the day quickly turned into fear once more. It was an emotion that I was growing ever tired of. What was I ever going to be able to do to help in this kind of situation?
If anything, I’d probably just end up getting myself burned up and die along with them. Which, to be honest, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world right now. I hate having thoughts like that, but I’m just so tired.
I ran up closer to where the helicopter had crashed, just next to some old generator, to see if I could see anything. I still couldn’t really make out much through the smoke and fog, but I could see a burning pile of wreckage.
That’s when I heard something else that was different from the fire and the screaming. It was coming from all around me in the skies. Those awful screeching monsters were drawn to the crash too. I should have known. I managed to pry open a door on the side of the generator I was standing next to and somehow squeezed my body inside. It had a grating on the door that I could sort of see through, but not enough to really tell what might be going on.
The sound of the creatures and the people screaming all blended into one. But then, to my surprise, the sounds of gunshots erupted around me too. I would have guessed everyone on the helicopter had been killed or too hurt to defend themselves, but the amount of shooting seemed to betray that thought.
The yelling and the shooting and monsters went on for what felt like forever. And it was getting hard to breath from the smoke leaking inside of my hiding spot. I would have had to get out soon.
I just didn’t know if it was safe yet.
And then I remembered once more: there was no such thing as being safe anymore.
Today, 19th or 20th October, ‘17
I’m sitting here writing this in what little light I have. I found an old coffee tin and have been using it to burn twigs. It gives me just enough light to see around my little bunker room I created here at this old factory. I still haven’t figured out what this place used to do or make, but there isn’t really anything of value to me now.
In fact, I have spent most of the day looking for any useful supplies or food around the entire place and came back with…a coffee can. Oh, and some old employee coveralls that I turned in a lumpy, dusky bed of sorts. I haven’t been able to sleep much, but I’ve stolen a nap here and there. I want to sleep more but I just can’t seem to slow my mind down enough. My body was exhausted days ago and yet my mind hasn’t quite figured it out yet.
I don’t have much energy left and yet I feel like I should still be running. Those monsters have mostly left me alone since I chased off the first one that was in here, but I know they’re out there. I found a ladder to the roof today and was able to see back into the city. Well, I could see some of the larger buildings through the orange haze and fog anyway. And I also saw what must have been hundreds of those things darting around like angry buzzards looking for something dead to eat.
I might as well be something dead to eat.
They are going to find me and devour me like they’ve done to everyone else. I realize that fact and I’ve already accepted it, but I don’t want to make it easy for them. I’ll never give up but I know I’m just not going to be able to last forever out here. And one of them is going to take advantage of it and take me away into the sky.
What’s left for me here on the ground? The world is gone now. Maybe the sky is all there is left for us unlucky enough to have not died or become one of those things?
I can barely tell if what I’m writing is on the lines of the page and not crossing over the previous sentence. It would be really nice if I could find a flashlight or a lantern. I could try and make a hole in the wall or the ceiling and get some of that awful orange glow in here, but that would just make me sick. It’s bad enough that it hasn’t been dark in days but not being able to escape the constant light of the world would make it more unbearable. Even though I can’t see anything in here, it’s a better alternative.
My knees are finally healing, I think. That’s a positive, right? The palms of my hands still feel like they’re on fire all the time, but at least my knees are healing. This is me being positive.
I just heard something outside. It’s some kind of low rumbling and it’s getting louder. I’m not sure what it is but I should probably go and check. I’ll try the roof.
Oh yes, I definitely hear it.
Today, 18th October, ‘17
Guess what! I finally found it! Turns out the never-ending highway very much has an ending, and it sure took me a long time to reach it. But I’m hardly Dorothy and this place I’ve discovered is no Oz. It’s some kind of old factory that I’ve never heard of and looks as though it hasn’t been used for anything productive in a long time. It’s full of all sorts of huge machines that I don’t recognize and they have that dark brown rusted tint to them that is a dead giveaway about how long they’ve been sitting in the same spot untouched. I don’t know what they used to make, but it’s been a long, long time since they made the last one.
I wasn’t sure what the next step was after getting to the end of the road and hitting the river I had been in search of since leaving town, but this place seemed like as good as any to hide out in. Anywhere beats hiding out in the back of car and waiting for one of those monsters to snatch me out and carry me away.
Though I thought I was getting away from them the further I ran from the city, which wasn't true.
One of them had different ideas for me when I finally found a way inside of one of these factory buildings. The constant orange glow made it really easy for me to see, even when I was getting further into the place, which is about the only plus. I had discovered an area that must have been offices at some point in time and reckoned it would be the most comfortable part of a rusty old factory to call home.
I planted my tired butt down onto a pile of old papers to rest my legs when I heard something clang around down below my new house. My body and mind are so exhausted that I didn’t even react to the sounds at first. I just wanted to sit there and not move and have whatever it was making the sound to go away without bothering me. But I don’t have any sort of luck like that left, obviously, so it just got closer and closer. Whoever or whatever it was started to climb the huge metal stairs that lead up to the office area and only then did I pull myself back up to my feet to hide.
There isn’t really anything to hide too well in up here, so I just ducked down underneath a big desk and tried not to move. I could hear the tell-tail sound of labored breathing and claws scraping the stone floor before it ever even got close to me.
It was going to find me.
And I was too tired to care.
Sitting there under that desk for what seemed like ages was torture of the worst kind. My mind wanted to run and escape again, but my body was ready to just let the end come. That monster was going to tear me to pieces without remorse. And the worst part about it was that nobody would ever know.
Nobody would ever find what was left of me.
What is left of me?
That’s the thought that came bursting back into the forefront of my mind as the beast was nearing the door to the office I was hiding in. I didn’t want to be forgotten like that. Everyone I knew was gone which meant that everyone who knew and remembered me was gone too. If I let that thing chow down on me, I’d be erased from existence.
I wasn’t about to let that happen, so I looked around the room and found the only thing that could have passed as a weapon to defend myself. It was just a half broken brick that probably fell out of the wall, but it was all I had and was going to have to do.
I crawled out from under the desk, and peered over the top of it towards the doorway. Every step that the creature took sent waves of adrenaline through my body, reinvigorating it enough to push away the pain. My nemesis was just a step or two from the doorway when I stood up completely from behind the desk, cocked my arm back, and threw the brick chunk as hard as I possibly could through the window that overlooked the factory floor. It shattered, of course, and sent a shower of broken glass down with it.
The immense sound it made at impact and the melody of the shards hitting was enough to spook to the creature into letting off a startled shriek, opening its wings, and flying out through a collapsed hole in the ceiling. I listened to the sound of its awful howling and flapping of its wings as it got further and further away from the factory.
It hasn’t been back yet and neither has any of its friends, but I’m sure that it will just be a matter of time before they return. It’s still a nice little victory that I needed to remind myself that I can survive this, even if others weren’t able to. I’m a fighter and I always have been. And I'm smarter than a bunch of mindless eating machines.
I’m going to start gathering as many large objects as I can carry or move on my own and fortify this room so that when they do come back, I’ll have a better chance of keeping them out. I don’t have much food or water, since I could only carry what would fit in my backpack from the gas station, but it should last me another couple of days.
I’m going to have to go back out into the woods or somewhere in town to find supplies, but that can wait. Maybe by that point, my body won’t be hurting so bad. I have to focus on moving forward and finding the things I need to survive. I shouldn’t have even made it this far, but I have.
And I’m going to keep on living and writing.
Today? 15th? October, ‘17
Oh…my…God. I’m so tired I can barely even hold my pen. I’m not totally sure I’ll even be able to read this entry after I finish writing it, but thought it was worth it to try and write some sort of update. I’ve been wandering down this road for hours now and still haven’t found anywhere that seems safe enough. So now I’m just sitting in the back of an SUV that was unlocked and trying not to pass out.
You don’t really realize just how empty the sides of a highway are until you start walking down one without a real idea of where you’re trying to go. And boy do I have no idea where I’m going. The map I found made it seem so close to get to the river, but I haven’t seen it at all yet. I’m not even really sure I’m still going the right way, but I can’t really just pull out my phone and check. Grandpa always said that my generation would regret relying so much on them, but it’s not like I ever thought he’d be right.
I can’t tell if its day or night, and I haven’t been able to find a watch in any of the cars I’ve passed by and searched. If I wasn’t so tired and if the world was ending, I’d probably have to make a joke about how nobody has a watch when you need one. But I could really use one now with how it’s bright orange outside 24/7 and I lost track of what day it is.
I found a blanket in the back of this truck I’m in, and have it draped over the seats just so I can rest my eyes some. The constant light is making them itchy and it hurts. I keep hearing those things rushing by through the cracked window, but I’m too tired to worry about them anymore. I’m just too tired to even function right now. I just need a nap, maybe I’ll be able to write more next time when my hand isn’t cramping up and my eyes aren’t full of sand.
If you read this (or if I someone manage to come back and re-read this) I apologize of it being so short. I know I said I'd try and write as much as I can, but I just....can't.
Today, 15th October, '17
The end never came and I lost track of just how long I had been waiting for it. The skies provide me with no clues as to what time of the day it is. They’re still just burning with orange clouds and violent winds. I think it’s daytime again, but I couldn’t say for sure. I somehow managed to fall asleep in the tent before, probably just out of pure exhaustion. It lasted either five minutes or three days, my body couldn’t tell either way. I still hurt all over and the bit of sleep only made things even achier.
I knew that I couldn’t just sit there forever; Dad wouldn’t have wanted that.
So after getting the courage to pull myself up off the floor and back through the tent flaps, I ended up sneaking back out of the compound through the way I came in. I didn’t notice it at first, but there wasn’t any sound of those…things flying around like there had been before. In fact, there wasn’t really much sound at all other than the gusts of wind strong enough to knock branches from the trees.
It didn’t strike me as odd really, because I was more focused on thinking about where I was even going to go. I don’t know if there are any groups of people still together or if everything and everyone was lost now.
Even though I couldn’t hear those things flying around as I was going, I knew that they had to be someplace. I didn’t want to spend a whole lot of time on the street or even in town, because I figured that is where they’d be hiding out at. If they were eating people, what better place to find your meal than a city?
I think it was around that time, dodging pieces of glass and garbage in the street, that I had the idea of heading out into the forest. We had a surprisingly large wooded area surrounding the actual city, for as close to Seattle as my town was, and it was probably safer now. That was my thinking anyway, so that’s what I ended up doing.
But I knew that I couldn’t just go into the forest and survive without some kind of supplies. I had no time and wasn’t in my right state of mind to take anything from the camp. All I had with me was a small backpack, a thing of water, Band-Aids on my knees, and this diary. Not exactly the essentials or the key to my survival.
There was a general sense of direction that I was following, as I knew that it would be the smartest to find the river and stick to that. That would be a good source of water and fish, if they weren’t mutant beasts by now too.
At some point I came across a gas station that was the last thing on that road for what looked to be a good while. The front windows had mostly been smashed out and there were a few cars that had been abandoned at the pumps. When things first started to get bad, people went nuts and just began stealing and breaking things. I thought I recognized that place and realized that it was the same gas station that we’d stop at before we went out hunting.
Food and water were the two things that I knew I would need to grab, but there wasn’t actually much of either left in the store once I got inside. I managed to find some children’s fruit juice bottles and some gross looking cans of mini-wieners. I had high hopes of finding a bigger bag or something to carry more with me, but had no luck. I did grab one of those paper maps that nobody ever buys anymore, so I’d at least have some clue as to where I was going. So I just stuffed as much of that stuff as I could into my backpack and started my walk down the highway towards the direction that I knew the river was.
The wind wasn’t making the walk any easier and seemed to always be blowing the direction opposite of where I was going. My hair kept getting into my eyes and I felt like quitting a bunch of times along the way, but I managed to tough it out and keep going. I didn’t see a point in quitting now, because what was there left to quit?
But man, my hair was really annoying me.
Somewhere along the way, I saw a car that had crashed into the guardrail and left sitting. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to have a look around and see if maybe I could find something useful inside of it. It still feels strange to take other people’s things, but I didn’t think they’d be coming back for any of it any time soon. I popped the trunk and found a bunch of different clothes that looked to be from a family who had just hastily grabbed whatever they could on their way out of the city.
I didn’t want to think about the family, since it just reminded me of my own. I had enough dirt smudges on my face from crying and couldn’t handle much more. But some of the clothes belonged to a little kid and seeing those just made me want to break down again. I managed to grab a pair of jeans that probably belonged to the mother and wouldn’t fit me that great, but it was going to be cold again at night and I needed something other than my shorts. I also found a baby blanket that looked as though it had been washed recently and took that too.
Before heading back off on my trek, I took the blanket and folded it so that I could wear it as kind of a hood. It wasn’t the ideal thing to use, but it did the job of getting my hair from blinding me in the crazy wind. That was the first good thing that I managed to do all day, which was a nice little win. If I had found a pair of scissors, I may have just chopped it all off.
I’m not sure where I am at right now. I stopped for a water break and figured I’d take the time to write an update in my diary. I can’t stop writing; it’s all I’ve got left from before. My feet are killing me and my lungs hurt from breathing in too much dust, but I’ve got to keep going. According to the map, I’m probably somewhere close to the river. But I haven’t noticed any signs for it from the road just yet.
It really makes you take for granted how convenient cars are when you’ve got to walk somewhere. That small little distance on a map suddenly ends up taking hours. Maybe I should have taken a car from town too. No, that would have made too much noise. Those things are probably out here somewhere, just waiting for me to pass out from exhaustion so they can pick my bones apart.
Anyway, so yeah, I have to keep writing and walking.
Better get back to it…I like my bones the way they are.
Today, 14th October, '17 #2
I didn't think things could get much worse. The sky was on fire; monsters soared through the flames. Everything and everyone that I knew was burned up in front of my own eyes in one way or another.
And yet, I was wrong.
It isn't much of a surprise though. I could hear the screams, the panic, and...worse things as I got closer to the camp. I should have just went the other direction, but I couldn't just leave Dad behind like that. My family was always there for me, even when I had the typical dumb high school kid problems that suddenly don't seem too serious. They loved me no matter how down in the dumps I got. Dad may have been away from home a lot, but he was always there for me in the end. I owed it to him, and to Mom, to at least see if I could save him.
But the closer I got, the more I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to. My lungs were burning from exhaustion and from breathing in so much of the fog. My legs felt as though they were going to lock up on me, and were covered in fresh and not so fresh blood that was still coming out of my knees. And I was terrified of what I'd see once I got there.
I was...I am scared.
But I just kept on running towards the sounds of horror that I knew I'd find once I got back to the camp. I could hear the ferocious howls of those things and the beating of their wings darting around me above. I kept waiting for one of them to fly down and scoop me up. But that never happened and I finally reached the fence after what felt like days of running blindly through the haze.
The panic I heard on the way seemed to have died down some when I finally got there. There were no more gunshots and most of the yelling and screaming had stopped. I could only make out faint images of the tents, towers, and vehicles that made up the camp from where I was. I could also see bodies. And blood.
The rational Moira in me kept saying “Run, just get away while you still can.” but I stopped listening to her years ago. So I found a hole in the fence and went further inside, towards the medical tent that Dad was in when I left. I made my way through the worst things I've ever seen: people torn to pieces, some missing their entire chest cavities or heads, and blood coating everything. I kept slipping and sliding on it and all of the bullet casings just made it worse.
I finally made it to a stack of supply crates across the way from Dad's tent. The flood lights inside the tent were still on and made it hard to see inside. But what I could see froze me in my tracks. I could make out the outline of one of those...things. It was hunched over near the door of the tent, and seemed to be eating something...or someone. It was tearing large pieces of flesh from a person's leg with his powerful jaw and was using it's leg to hold down it's meal. It reminded me of a dinosaur.
But that's when I heard a cry. It was coming from the creature's meal. Whatever blood may have been left in my face completely drained when I realized who it was that was being eaten. It was Patricia, the one person I had gotten kind of close to since this all started. She had lost everything and gave so much to help the sick. And there she was. Nothing that she had gone through before or since mattered now that she was underneath the foot of that beast.
I wanted to help her. To save her. But how could I have? What could I have done besides end up it's second course? So I did nothing. I just sat there, huddled behind a bunch of crates, and listened as Patricia was slowly eaten alive.
Why didn't I cry?
Shock, I guess.
I don't know exactly how long I sat there, but it felt like a long time. And eventually, the monster had his fill and flew off into the clouds. There was only one way inside the tent and I had to pass Patricia. I didn't want to look down, but I couldn't help it. And that's when I saw what was left of her. This woman who had gone through so much pain and suffering and yet kept up the appearance of being strong and helpful was reduced to a pile of bones and meat. How in the world was I ever going to survive this?
I'm not going to make it, am I?
There was a piece of metal piping near her body, a makeshift weapon maybe, that I picked up expecting that I might need it once I went inside the tent. Thinking back on it now, it doesn't seemed to have helped her at all, but it was better than nothing. I used it to part the mesh door flaps of the tent and slowly went inside, shielding my eyes to blinding light. After just a few steps inside, and past the fog lamp, I finally saw what I had suspected all along.
Dad was gone. Everyone was gone.
What can I really say? The storm outside was not the only violent whirlwind to hit from the looks of it.
I slumped down against a cot that had been flipped over. And that's where I've been for awhile. What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go? It's all gone. The only thing I have left in life now is pain and blood. Not only my own, but everyone else's.
I'm going to sit here a little longer. And wait.
Wait for what? I don't know, but I'd guess the end.
What else can I do?
Besides cry, finally.
Today, 14th October, '17
The entire world is on fire.
I've never been the religious type, but I think I must be in hell.
The storm finally hit us, and everything just...went crazy. I could hear it coming in those last few minutes; it was louder than anything I've ever heard. The building began to shake before I could even see the cloud, and the closer it got, the more I knew that things were going to get so much worse before the end.
I just huddled up against the edge of the wall, and cried. The sound was so loud that I couldn't even hear my own thoughts as they scattered around my mind in a panic. I tried to plug my ears, but it didn't help.
Nothing could have helped.
Have you ever had to just sit and wait for your life to end? I've learned that it's not a great feeling. It's something that nobody should have to ever go through. But something happened that might end up being worse.
I didn't die. At least, I haven't yet, anyway.
The sound began to fade out some after what felt like a lifetime, and that's when I had the courage to open my eyes. Even though it was still just early morning, the entire sky was an unnatural bright orange and the winds were throwing all sorts of pieces of whatever around. I've never seen the middle of a tornado, let alone an orange one, but that's just what it looked like.
At that point, I didn't know what to do, but I knew that getting hit with all the stuff flying around the roof was hurting me, so I ran back inside the building. That's when I saw and felt that my arms and face had blood on them from getting struck with rocks and wood pieces. It hurt, and still does, since I had nothing to really put on it. The wind was crashing through the windows and it felt like the building was going to fall over.
Some of that orange smoke, or clouds, fog, or whatever it was started filling up the room, but I can still breath. For now.
I just don't know what to do. I didn't expect to even still be here after the storm came. I guess I'll just wait here and see what happens. What more could I do? I'll clutch my pen and this diary and just...I don't know...wait.
I never should have left that building. I wasn't safe, but now...it's just so much worse.
At least I couldn't see what the world had become when I was in that dark room. But I knew that I couldn't just sit in there forever. I had to see for myself what the world looked like after the clouds passed through. But what I saw was something I wasn't ready to see. How could I have been?
There was still a lot of wind, and the sky was still that sickly shade of orange, but at first it seemed like everything had calmed. I thought it had, but as I peered over the ledge of the roof out across the street, I heard something...strange. It sounded like an animal, or lots of animals, but it was coming from all over the place. I couldn't see far into the fog of orange, but I could hear whatever it was...or whatever they were, all around me.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing will ever make sense, again. I was frozen in fear and knew that whatever was making that sound was bad news.
Was there any kind of other news now?
I hurt the tips of my fingers with how hard I was digging into the brick of the roof, which only makes it even harder to write now. I just sat there as still as I could, as the screeching and wailing got louder and louder around me. Not being able to see what was making those horrible sounds was the worst feeling ever. Well, until I saw what it was...
I couldn't make out exactly what they were at first, because everything was still so...orange, and foggy, and rainy. But they were big, and flying all around the building. When I finally saw one clear enough, I saw what looked like a giant bat. That's really as close as I can get to describing it. Like, a bat with a frogs head. And lots of teeth. It was gliding through the air effortlessly, but looked as though it must have been a couple hundred pounds worth of just pure muscle. That's when another showed up, and then one more.
For a moment, I thought maybe I should have stayed and gotten a better look at them, but I couldn't. I had to run, and fast, and far. Whatever those things were, the last thing they looked to be was friendly.
I slid down the ladder and slipped and crashed both of my knees onto the floor. Even though I've gotten used to falling thanks to gymnastics, that still hurt a lot. And I have some pretty nasty scraps now too.
My legs were taking me away from the building faster than I thought possible, even though I still couldn't really see through the clouds. I kept nearly running into abandoned cars, signs, and all the debris that had been scattered around when the storm hit. The whole time I ran, I just kept expecting to be snatched up off the ground by those...things, and taken away. The fear is what kept me running, I guess.
But I could only run so far, and my body was a mess. My knees were bleeding, my arms and face too. My hands were throbbing in pain, and I was out of breath.
So here I am again. Sitting somewhere in the woods just outside of town, wondering what I'm supposed to do now. Wondering what was happening to the world. Wondering if Dad was okay or not.
Before things changed, I used to just work out and train until I couldn't feel anything but exhausted. All the worries I had would be washed away as my mind shut down and my body healed. But here I am at that point now physically, only my mind refuses to stop.
I can barely hold this pen, but yet I have to keep writing.
This can't be hell, can it? How would I ever know for sure? I have to keep writing.
I have to find my Dad. But what do I do when I get back? What if the whole camp is overrun with those...things? What if they get me before I ever make it there?
I don't know what to do.
What are you supposed to do when flames engulf you and leave you untouched?
Just what am I supposed to do now...
10:45pm Today, 13th October, '17
When I started to write in my diary again, I was just hoping it could be a way for me to put all my thoughts into someplace else beside all cooped up in my brain. That way I could clear my mind, shut the cover, and finally sleep a bit once in awhile. I just wanted some way to express myself and not let it all build up. I would stress about my grades, about gymnastics, about boys, and everything else that would stir up those kinds of feelings and emotions. But none of that really matters anymore, I think.
The last time I wrote, I said the world was ending. And it is.
There's some kind of toxic cloud that's engulfing the entire world, and it's about to hit the coastline in just a few hours. Nobody knows what it is, where it came from, or what is going to happen to us. But it must be the end of everything. So many people have already died.
And my brother too.
I can barely stop crying long enough to keep writing, and my tears are starting to smudge the ink. It's probably a bad idea to even bother with this, but I made a promise to myself. Dad told me that even though I should be sad about Mom and Jason, I should try to be as strong as I can be. And that I should remember that it wasn't just the two of them who didn't survive, but millions of other people too. And that everyone around the world is suffering.
That's how he's always been. That's how he was about Brendan, too. It's not that he didn't love them, but he's just too stubborn to be sad. He's fighting off being sick, so maybe he just can't afford to be sad.
I wish I had that chance.
I'm fine though, not a single thing wrong with me. And that's what hurts so much about all of this. My mom and brother fought so hard to even stay with us as long as they did, and yet it took them quick. They were always so much stronger than me. How am I the one still around? It's not fair, it's really not. What did I do to deserve having to live through all of this without so much as a cough?
Sigh. It would have been so much easier.
Here I am now, sitting in some camp made up of tents that the Army put up just a couple of days ago. There's too many people here, most of them are still sick, and the storm is coming. There doesn't even seem to be many Soldiers. Everyone knows that it's all over, and most of them are either panicking or too sick and don't have the strength to care. And of course, since I'm one of the few in the whole place that isn't sick, I've been running around all day helping pass out food and comforting the people who are barely holding on.
The only good thing about that is that I've been able to stay so busy during the day that I don't have time to stop and cry about my family. I just work all day and pass out on some awful little cot during the night. The Army made us split up between sick and healthy, so I can't even be close to Dad when I'm not busy running all over the camp. I get to check on him during the day. He held my hand just a bit ago. He's never done that before, but I'm glad he's trying to help comfort me in whatever way he can. He's a good father, but he's always been so disconnected from us emotionally. That's just the way he was raised, I suppose. I'll enjoy it for however long we have left.
I should try to sleep now, but how can I possibly do that? I can't see, hear, or feel those clouds coming, but I know that they are. The emergency radio, the Army, everyone has been talking about it and tracking it. There is nothing anyone can do to stop it, and we're not even trying to prepare for it. They're all so wrapped up in caring for the sick, and dealing with everything else. It's like they're all just hoping it comes and ends us quick. They all had to sit by and watch as their loved ones withered away in a matter of weeks, and they all saw how painful it was. It makes sense that they would be so accepting of a quick way out.
There's this woman here, who's healthy like I am, her name is Patricia. She was a manager of grocery store before things went so crazy, but she had also been an EMT. Her and I have been sort of the “Get this for me.” help for the Army people. She's really nice, and even though everyone is always on edge, she's been really helpful to everyone. Seeing her laugh and smile while the world is falling apart around her has just left me dumbfounded. She lost her entire family in just a few days, her home, her life...and yet, she's just taking it in stride like it's just another bump in the road. How can she be so good at feeling nothing like that? Or maybe she's just empty now.
I don't want to die. I don't want to feel so empty.
I'm so scared.
I can't just lay here and wait for the end. I'm going to just...run. Go someplace else. I don't want this tent to be where I die. I can't be okay with that, I can't accept that.
I'm sitting here now, and waiting. I don't know where I am, or why I chose this place, but it's going to be it. I packed up my bag, ducked out of the tent, and went to Dad's. They had the lights down low, so I could only see him off in the back from the hole in the flap. I just...said goodbye in my own way. I know he'd understand.
And then I escaped the camp from part of the fence that I had discovered a few days back. Someone didn't do a good job when they were putting it up, but I can't really blame them, nobody has been able to focus as of late. I ran in the dark down the road, without even knowing where I was running. None of the street lights work, but it didn't matter. The moon was lighting my way.
I broke inside of some building and climbed the stairs to the roof. Just tossed a rock through the front window and went inside. If there isn't going to be another sunrise, I wanted to enjoy this moonlight for the last time. One last time before it's all gone.
Please, I don't want to die.
I can't keep writing, I'm sorry. I think I'm going just sit up here, cry, and wait for the end. If there is some sort of “other-side” than I hope my family can find me. There will be billions of lost people to sort through come the time. Maybe I can help others connect with their families while I find my own.
I don't want this to end, not now. But, it must, I guess...
Today, 10th October, '17
I don't really know where to begin. Things have been so crazy, so implausible that I haven't had a moment just to step back and write. So I'll just do my best and gather my thoughts enough to at least say something:
Not just for myself, but for my family; for everyone. I'm afraid that the world is ending.
That's not just some overreaction, but like I'm legitimately worried. There has been all sorts of weird events going on around the world the past few days. We all thought it was just the sickness that had been spreading, but things have been so much worse.
Half the world has had major earthquakes, heavy storms, flooding, or worse. And so many people who had the mystery flu just suddenly dropped over dead. I don't just mean like a few thousands. I'm talking like...millions. Maybe even billions. I don't know, nobody knows yet. The news stations can only keep updated so much and they don't have any clue what is happening either.
I'm probably not making much sense, but I can't collect my thoughts. How could I?
Someone said something about heading into the city, but they weren't sure. I'm just worried about my parents, and my brother. And my friends. But they're in no shape to go anywhere. Heck, Dad is the only one who's even able to still get up out of bed. Mom and Jason have just been sleeping a lot, in between bouts of throwing up.
The internet stopped working a few days ago, so I can't even look up ways to try and help them. And I can't find out what else is happening outside of our little bubble. People are panicking all over the country, and the world. They want answers, but nobody seems to know what is happening. And everyone else has either died or is close to dying. I don't want my parents to die. I don't want anyone to die.
Someone on TV said that they think the entire coast line might break off into the ocean. I want to run, but where are we supposed to go? I just don't know what to do. I guess all I can do is be strong, and help Dad take care of the others. I'll have to take care of him too. I'm not sick at all, for some reason, and they're going to need me.
Time for me to be strong, even though I'm terrified. I have to be strong and try not to freak out like the rest of the world is.
The world is burning and I have to not freak out?
I don't know if I can do this...
Today, 2nd October, '17
Life certainly has a way of going all haywire at all the wrong times, doesn't it? I really thought that things were finally going my way, and boy did I need them too, but nope. I spent all summer working my butt off to push myself and make Varsity, and I did. But now, the season is canceled because everyone is sick. I got to enjoy it for a grand total of like one week, if that. I can't even begin to explain how bummed out I am about it. I've never worked this hard in my entire life, and now it's basically all been for nothing. That really stings to even write down.
Mr. Reinhold thought there might be a chance that they just postpone the start of the season, but too many girls were sick. Not just from our school, but from all the schools in the conference. I know there really wasn't anything they could do, but it still hurts. It's even worse because my family are all feeling the effects of the flu, too, and like half the entire school. They already ran out of substitute teachers, and had to combine a bunch of the classes. I have English with like seven Freshmen, it's horrible.
I know Mom is stressed out too, because she's the only dentist who's been able to make it into work in the past week or so. And she's barely able to even do that, since she's feeling so bad. She has to cover for everyone else who's out, and a lot of patients are coming in for emergency things because one of the symptoms of the mystery flu is having your teeth fall out. I feel bad for her, she works really hard and nobody else is helping her keep the practice open.
Dad has been away for work, but he said that he'd probably have to come home early. He's feeling worse than anyone else in the family, and you know it's bad if he's going to take time off. Now that I won't have to worry about practice, I can at least come home right after school gets out and help take care of them. The only “good” thing about gymnastics being canceled, I guess. I'll have nothing else to do since everyone is either sick or busy picking up the slack for those that are.
Sometimes I still feel like just sinking away into someplace that I can hide and be alone. I've done so much for myself and for my family to get better, but it just becomes too much sometimes. I could always just disguise it under being a great student and being a good athlete, but what do I have now? I'm sort of being forced into having time to think, and that's the last thing I want or need. Maybe I'll just keep working out every day, because if I don't, I won't be tired enough to fall asleep right away. I can't deal with that time between laying down and falling asleep. It's too much for me.
On a lighter note, Lucas brought over cookies that his sister made. Nobody else has really touched them, but I have had a few. He's a nice boy, and I'll give him an A for effort, but cookies won't buy my attention or affection. Well, they might, but not ones from him. He's lucky though, since nobody in his family is sick. Instead of cookies, he should bring over whatever it is that has kept them from catching it. That would be wayyyyy nicer of a gift.
Anyway, I suppose I'll be writing more often, if just to try and tire myself out before going to sleep. Which, by the way, I'm about to pass out finishing this entry.
“Go to bed, Mo.”
“Yes, Mo. If you insist.”