Today, 19th September, '17
I decided that I should probably start writing in my diary again. I know that originally it was just to help me express the way I was feeling after Brendan passed away, but I kind of miss just sort of spurting out all the random things on my mind. It's like a nice way to just let it all out, if that makes sense. I've been so focused on try-outs that I haven't really had a chance to focus all of my thoughts like I used to. Soooo...here I go!
By the way, I can't believe that it's almost time for try-outs! It feels like the year just flew by, and the was with practicing every single chance that I got. All those hours working my butt off NEED to pay off! Kelly said that I would have had a really good shot at making Varsity, even if I didn't go the extra mile all summer and attend camp again. I guess that's what happens when most of your best team members the year before were Seniors. Good for them...last year. This year, we may not be so strong, but that will give me the chance to step up. I know I haven't had much confidence the past couple of years, but I want this so bad. Every bit of energy I've had, I've put into making Varsity. I don't know what I'll do if I fail to make it again this year. Quit, I guess?
Dad and Jason have been trying to get me to go back out and hunt with them, but I still don't feel up for it. There is too much time to just sit around and think when you're out there, and I don't think I can handle that just yet. If I'm not absorbing myself in working out or doing homework, then I know I'll just end up depressed and crying over Brendan. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want to push Dad or Jason away by not doing things that we used to do, but it just hurts too much. I told Mom that I was out of tears, but that's not true. My pillow would tell you different every night, if it could talk anyway.
But I don't want this entire thing to just be me stressing about making the Gymnastics team or being depressed about my brother, so I'm going to change the subject. I promise I won't be so moody all the time.
School starting back up is never much fun, but at least I can drive myself finally and not have to ride the bus with all of the loud, screaming little kids. It may just be a crappy little blue thing, but its freedom in my eyes. I take the back roads home after practice on purpose just for that little extra alone time. People always tell me that I have an “old soul” when really I just like to be by myself once in awhile. I love my family and my friends as much as any girl my age does, but being able to steal a moment or two once in awhile is something I cherish.
Anyway, I guess this is as good a place to stop as any. I need to remind myself how much better I feel when I have a place to vent. Even if that place is a diary that nobody is ever going to read but me.